"What if I'm not what you think"

I've been attending a bunch of meetings at a larger community level for work. Some of them include new initiatives or strategic planning. The last one I attended was sort of the strategic planning type. It was a group of shelter providers trying to figure out best to advocate what they do and how funders can get on board with that. Pretty inspiring to be in a room full of people who care.

Anyway we did this exercise around getting to these affirmative statements about what we wanted and expected. We worked in small groups and answered a series of questions about our agencies. We then tried to pull out general themes for example "We see the whole person when working with clients" was one that came up a lot. Then we took these general themes to form affirmative statements about how we want to work in our community. "It is necessary for other community partners to join with us in helping our clients achieve a safe, healthy, and sustainable future". Okay it's kind of strange examples but maybe you get the idea.

So what's the point? Well I thought I could use some affirmative statements of my own these days. I haven't quite figured out how to modify the group process to a personal one to arrive at these statements, but I was able to create a few from journaling and doing a little thinking.

I don't intend this to be a "If I think good things then good things will happen" sort or mindset. However I think it's important to make these statements of what I know is true and to remind myself because it's surprising how quickly we forget.

Often I feel my time has to be spent silencing that little negative voice. You know the one I'm talking about? So for me the affirmative statements are a little reminder to tell that voice to pipe down.

So here's a few that I worked out. They may not make total sense as they are in the context of a particular situation that I will not delve into now but just so you can get an idea

*What I feel is real
*What I feel is not wrong
*How I feel now does not negate how I felt in the past
*What or who I care about in the future does not negate what or who I care about now or what I feel.

Balance

Sort of have had that feeling lately of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Keep having that mild anxiety lurking like something not good is about to go down.

Maybe it just means I need to mix things up. Instead of anticipating the change I just need to make it happen.

I'd like to be able to flip a switch and find myself in a better state of mind. I keep thinking if I read the right book, or bought a new pair of jeans, or pierced something, or finally started riding my bike outside of my commute that I might just feel better and a little more alive. Biking might not be such a bad idea...I could use some exercise to de-stress these days.

All this talk about "really living" instead of just being alive...well I guess I don't really even know what that means sometimes.

I am most alive when laughing for an inappropriately long time, having one of those conversations that just lasts for hours, walking outside, being at the ocean, thinking outloud, hearing that song on the radio that I love.

Hello world!

Persevering...

Well it seems as though this grand experiment has not gone so well. I'm not sure why I haven't bothered to post in so long.

I read many fantastic blogs that have an awesome theme or the writing is really profound or they have great insight on popular culture or what's going on in the world. I didn't really intend this space to be centered around any of these things. Mostly just the things I think about and need to put out in the world. Truthfully I don't know how to make it my space. (Also my computer is broken so I'm sort of borrowing my dear roommates computer when I can)

Well to attempt to get things rolling again I shall share a story and whatever insight I can draw from it.

I shall also attempt to be a more faithful updater in the future for you faithful readers (all two of you I'm sure) but also for myself because this is something I need.

The Story of Nugget

I work in a homeless shelter for transitional age youth (18-25) and we see a range of young people. Many of them are dealing with a lot of past trauma, mental health issues, drug use, etc...

Last summer one of our young women adopted a baby chick (we allow pets). She named him Nugget (did I mention how funny and clever our youth are?) This young lady in particular has dealt with quite a lot of trauma in her life. She tends to have episodes where she just kind of loses it. In one of these episodes she killed little Nugget. As someone who cares deeply for all life I was very upset about the entire situation. How do we hold the balance of her trauma with the life she took?

Well quite a few months later she told me that she felt that the soul of Nugget resided in me. She believed that he could live on at the shelter through me. I don't mean this to be narcissistic and I am getting around to the big picture here. I guess that too was a pretty shocking thing to hear.

The story is not really about whether I harbor the sole of little Nugget, though I would hope to be worthy of such a soul. And this story is not really about whether or not chickens have souls, though I would like to believe that they do.

What I see in the big picture is this question: Can the place of our great trauma be the place of our healing as well? Did this young lady seek some kind of forgiveness in the belief that even though she had taken a life part of Nugget could survive and she herself could be okay? Can any of ask for anything more? That though we've hurt or been hurt we can still find healing, acceptance, forgiveness in this world. I would like to believe this is true for this young woman, for me, for all of us.

Hair...to have or not to have?

Okay so here's a big question I pondered a lot last year: What is it about hair?

I shaved my head for the first time over a year ago. I confess the second I saw myself in the mirror I regretted it. What had I done? How could I be beautiful without my curls?

Then I got over myself. The truth is I love my shaved head! I consider it a practice of simplicity and a practice of self love.

The interesting thing is the conversations that I started to have around femininity and long hair. How did this correlation even begin? What is it that makes us associate long hair with the ultimate in feminine beauty. It's true that from time to time short hair styles are in vogue, but for the most part in white American culture long hair is preferred for woman.

When I cut my hair short in college after having grown it out for several years I heard mostly positive comments except for guy friend who said, "but you were so beautiful with long hair." I don't understand the obsession.

This is not to say that I think long hair is unattractive, I just wonder what gives it superiority.

Why a blog?

Well the title really says most of it. I process aloud all the time. Anyone who has ever lived with me can confirm this. So I hope this blog to first of all be a space where I can give my house mates a little relief from my constant stream of thought...and instead inflict it upon all of you.

I have a live journal from high school that has become a place to whine about my singleness and general discontent. It serves a purpose I admit, but that is not what I want this blog to be. I hope to write about questions I have, the work I do, and whatever else comes to mind.

Frankly I don't have much of a hook here. I am spending my second year in the Lutheran Volunteer Corps and I imagine much of what I have to say will come from that, but this is not an LVC blog.

I hope this can be a conversation as well. I'm not sure how many people will read this but I'd love you to respectfully agree or disagree with anything I post (and give me a good talking to if this blog ever gets to whiny).

Okay let the journey begin!